


Alone Again?

by thatsnotpxnkrock



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angry Evan "Buck" Buckley, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Boxing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fighting, Firehouse 118 as Family (9-1-1 TV), Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Mentioned Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Minor Original Character(s), Minor Violence, Other, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Tsunami (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26766055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsnotpxnkrock/pseuds/thatsnotpxnkrock
Summary: Evan Buckley was used to being alone until he met the 118. He was alone until he met his team. Buck finally had a family.Everything changed for Buck after the lawsuit and all the work he put in to get back to his family seemed worthless.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first 'story' on here!
> 
> I think I'm just gonna project on a comfort character of mine...

Evan Buckley was no stranger to loneliness. Growing up he had Maddie...sort of. They weren't very close due to their age difference and didn't have much in common. So even though they loved each other and were family they weren't exactly friends. Yet he missed her when she was gone. 

The Buckley parents were not role models but it didn't make them bad parents. No parent was perfect and they weren't the exception. They were a little too closed off, not open with their feelings, and didn't communicate well. It made for a lonely household. When most kids went crying to their parents over a scraped knee Buck went to Maddie. When she left he patched himself up. As he grew older nothing changed, his parents were still distant and it made him the same way. He wasn't alone but he was lonely.

Buck knew he could talk to his friends so he did. Yet he knew it was unfair to make them his therapists, so he slapped on a smile and made them laugh. When he got hurt he went home and cried alone. In the back of his mind he knew he could cry to his parents but only when it was serious. Last time he cried in the open about a girl his dad rolled his eyes and his mom brushed it off. So he refused he bottled it up and only cried in the safe haven of his room. Buck had parents that cared about him that loved him but he was still alone so alone. 

As time went on he subconsciously looked for surrogate parents in life but never found them. Buck became Buck 1.0, he was happy but still lonely even when surrounded by people. Until he found the 118. Buck not only found his real passion that gave him a good reason to get out of bed but he had a family. Buck had Bobby, who if he thought of as a dad was no one's business but his. Later on if Athena became similar to a mother to him that was also no one's business. It was easy, adopting parents that you could openly talk to without judgement and feel like their kid without the fear. 

Bobby and Athena weren’t clueless. The way Buck would give them a famous smile when they complimented him, the way he leaned into them whenever they rested a hand on him, the way he all but fell into their hugs. They loved him, he was part of their family after all, it was just unspoken. 

The 118 was Buck's family; he was able to grow and when he met Abby he was able to learn how to express emotions properly and love someone...until she ghosted him and broke his heart. It didn’t matter though because Maddie was back in his life. They grew so much closer, after years of hurt and loneliness they were reunited and able to be functioning siblings. 

Buck couldn’t be happier with his life as Buck 2.0. Until everything came crashing down on him. During the lawsuit he lost everyone. His best friend, his  _ father,  _ his family. Everyone. It didn’t matter how badly he felt or how much he wanted to reach out because it was his fault. He decided to sue, he decided to detach himself from everyone just to get back to work.

_ Your fault, _ Bucks brain supplies him as he sips a beer on his couch. He had just rejected the settlement and was home from his first day back on the job.  _ You're alone and it's your fault.  _

Buck groaned rubbing at his eyes as if it would make the thoughts stop. Yet he couldn’t stop blaming himself. Maybe if he worked harder Bobby would have been sure of his abilities he would have wanted him back after the fire truck incident. Maybe if he tried harder in the tsunami Eddie would think he wasn’t selfish. Maybe just maybe if he were better they would be proud of him and understand just how hard he worked and how much good he could do as a firefighter. But no, he was given chores all day and not invited on the calls. Eddie ignored him but at least he didn’t give him cold stares. Bobby was giving him the mean captain attitude and it made Buck want to cry. He disappointed his ~~dad~~ captain. Buck reverted back to his childhood, he put on his golden retriever act and was all smiles all day, until he got home and cried his eyes out in the shower. It was weeks up of stress and loneliness from the lawsuit all pouring out. 

It was how he ended up on the couch with puffy eyes and his third beer. Buck knew he wore his heart in his sleeve, it was his reminder that expressing emotions was okay and it was a sign to those around him that they could talk to him. But while he supported everyone who supported him? He knew it wasn’t a fair question, he filed the lawsuit, they couldn’t talk to him. But now he was back, he had his job back, his family back...didn’t he?

Buck laughed bitterly staring at the black television screen. He sneered at himself in the reflection before grimacing as it made him look like his father. Buck ran a hand through his still damp hair and sighed looking around. Normally on a bad day like this he would be at Eddie's house, playing with Christopher, cooking, or talking about anything and everything with Eddie, but this wasn’t a normal bad day. He knew he should do something productive but he couldn’t bring himself to get up. Instead he turned on the tv and slowly fell asleep on the couch. 

  
  



	2. Not Alone Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhh just a little more angst & story.
> 
> The ending is sorta ambiguous.

Buck woke up stiff and his head cloudy. Now he remembered why he didn’t sleep on the couch. The only expectation being Eddies, it was comfier than his, Buck wasn’t sure if that was true or if he was just happier with the Diaz boys. 

Buck stretched paying special attention to his bad leg before going to take a quick hot shower. Anything too cold or long reminded him of the tsunami and then he would need to see Christopher but he wasn’t sure he would be able to. Buck spent the morning cleaning his apartment before he finally settled at the table to eat breakfast. Just as he was about to eat there was a knock on the door.

Buck groaned but got up and opened the door to see Maddie, he furrowed his brow in confusion “Mads?”

Maddie grinned at him before pushing past him, “Hey! I wanted to see how your first week of work went.” 

Bucks face dropped and he allowed himself a second before putting on his famous golden retriever look. Closing the door he turned to his older sister with a grin, “It was good.”

Maddie rolled her eyes sitting at the table after grabbing a yogurt from his fridge, “Give me more than that.”

Buck walked over to the table debating on how much he would reveal to her. As much as he wanted to let it pour all out he knew he couldn’t. Not only would it stress Maddie out but she would force Chimney to be nice to him at work and it would be fake so he wouldn’t really know when their friendship actually came back. “It was good Mads, I don’t know what else to say.” He shrugs before piling food into his mouth.

“Buck…” She says in her older sister's tone.

He just looked up at her while still chewing. Maddie sighs and continues to eat, “Well I’m happy if you’re happy.”

“I’m happy.” Buck says with a convincing smile.

Maddie matches his smile before speaking, “So you are going out to lunch with them today then?”

Buck doesn’t let his shock show and he shoves more food in his mouth so he can process his answer. Of course they would get lunch without him. Why wouldn’t they? The group had the day off and that normally meant family outings. Buck tried to ignore the literal shatter in his chest as he realized how badly he may have fucked up. I’m not family anymore. Maybe wearing his heart on his sleeve didn’t work because they couldn’t even see how he truly felt.

Once he finishes chewing he shakes his head, “Nah, I got other stuff to do. I wanted to go workout and then just check in with my pt to make sure my plans all good for returning to the station.”  
The answer must have been convincing enough because the subject changes to a work story.

~

Buck sat outside the gym in his jeep staring at the doors. He was trying to calm his nerves as he’d rather go to the gym angry then two seconds away from an anxiety attack. Realizing he may not be family to his team sent him into a spiral. Nervously he absentmindedly rubbed his birthmark.

Buck found himself punching the living hell out of a punching bag at a local gym only a few moments later. His hands were wrapped but he wore no gloves as he pounded on the bag. He was letting out his frustrations and the sting made him feel something besides anger.

“Whoa killer.” A random guy says approaching him. 

Buck stops and grabs the bag to stop it from swinging, “What?”

The guy was the same height as Buck but he had curly brown hair and green eyes and he was tanner than Eddie. “Nothing, you’ve just been killing the bag and you don’t have gloves.”

“I don’t need em.” Buck grumbles annoyed with the interruption. 

The guy shrugs, “I’m Richard.”

“Buck.”

“Want to spar Buck? We don’t have to wear gloves or headgear.”

That sounded just like the distraction he needed so he agreed.

~

The two went a few rounds getting their footing and checking out each other's movements. “Alright Richy you ready for a real fight?” Buck says his eyes flashing as his body filled with adrenaline.

“Thought you’d never ask.” He grinned.

The two finally began a real fight. Buck was never one to hurt someone but sparring was something he enjoyed. He realized it was a good way to relieve stress and workout. It was safe and the two both wanted to be in the fight. He ignored the fact that he only first started working out so people who look at something other than his birthmark.

Two rounds later and the two men were out of breath. Buck knew he would have a black eye by the end of the night and at least a few bruises on his arms and maybe one on his jaw. It didn’t matter to him as he finally felt the rush he’d been waiting for and no one was in danger. Richard had a split lip and some blood running from his nose.

“Let’s clean up and go again.” Richard suggested.

Buck readily agrees before slipping out of the ring. 

“So what’s got you so worked up?” The other man questions as he cleans his lip.

Buck shrugs, “Work..family. The usual.”

Richard nods in understanding. Buck knew the guy was trying to be nice but he also knew he would regret if he shared something small. Of course two men in the gym wouldn’t have a full blown therapy session. So anything less than that would leave Buck stressed and full of regret.

“What about you? Most people don’t choose to spar the guy who’s letting shit out on the bag much less spar without protection.”

The man gives him a lopsided grin, “Maybe I needed to work my shit out too. No better way than landing a hit on someone...in a ring of course.”

Buck nods, “I feel you.”

The two wait till they catch their breath before going back into the ring. 

“You're going down Rich.” Buck says, his tone is threatening but he wore a famous Buckley smile.

The man matches his grin before swinging. Buck was quick to step back and move to the right before attempting a right hook. Rich ducked underneath his arm and stepped closer causing Buck to quickly move and push himself off Richards back so they ended up back to back on the opposite sides of the ring. 

They both turn at the same time analyzing each other waiting for one to make a move. Buck was a good fighter but he was impatient so he lunged and after a few deflections he's able to land a left hook against his opponents face. Richard stumbles back but looks back up at Buck with a smirk. 

The two continue dancing around each other and landing hard hits to get out the last of their anger. Buck winced as a hit landed on his jaw the same place he was hit before. Buck rolls his shoulder prepping to continue fighting and ignore the stare. He felt someone watching about a minute before and that was when he got distracted and hit. Richards nose was bloody again and there was a small cut on his eyebrow. 

Buck is quick to start the fight back up and moments later he gets a hit to the ribs. It was enough to hurt and probably bruise but it wasn’t anything serious. He stumbles back before faking a hit that Richard dodges and it makes him grin knowing his move worked. Buck uppercuts Richard causing him to stumble back and fall against the ropes. 

“Shit.” Richard grumbles rubbing his jaw.

“That mean I win?” Buck questions teasingly that matched his grin.

Richard groans and stands up, “I guess.” 

The two fist bump sharing a smile when a voice calls out, “Buckley.”

Buck freezes recognizing Eddie's voice. Did he just say Buckley? Buck turns around to see Eddie standing there in gym clothes, his arms crossed, and a glare fixated on him. “Diaz.” He responds meaning it to sound casual but it sounded harsh and confused all at once.

Eddie continues staring at him but when Buck doesn’t move he raises his eyebrows. Buck sighs and turns around, “Uh I’ll see you around?”

Richard nods glancing at Eddie and then back, “This work or family?”

Buck can’t help but wince, “Both?”

Richard nods, “Good luck.”

The men leave the ring on separate sides and Buck walks over to Eddie. “What’s up?”

“W-What’s up? Why are you boxing without gloves? Are you trying to get hurt?”

“Weren’t you the one street fighting?” Buck questions walking by him as he unwrapped his hands. 

“That was different.” 

Buck could tell this conversation wasn’t going to be fun based of Eddie's defensiveness and seeming need to start an argument. 

“Why aren’t you at lunch with the crew?” He questions throwing the wraps on his gym bag.

Eddie noticeably freezes but he was quick to relax his shoulders, “Um you knew about that?”

Buck just shrugs and stares at Eddie not planning on helping him get out of this one. 

Eddie clenches his jaw, “I wanted to work out.”

Buck hums before throwing his gym bag over his shoulder, “Well this fun but I’m actually going to need to eat after my workout so… I’m going to go.”

“No.” Eddie snaps stepping in front of him.

The blond sighed, “What?” He was tired,so tired. He was tired of fighting, tired of defending himself, tired of hurting, he was just so damn tired of being lonely.

“Why are you boxing without gloves?” 

“Makes for a better fight.”

“Buck.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie steps back pinching the bridge of his nose, “The lawsuit was shitty.”

Buck clenches his jaw looking away, he didn’t want to fight but he would defend his actions. “I needed to come back to work. I needed to help people. I needed to get back to my...family.”

“You could have just waited until you were better.” Eddie says, sounding stressed but his expression remained indifferent.

“I was better. No one can say I wasn’t. I could have come back, Chimney had a damn pole through his head and was back quicker. I was fine but Bobby thought I wasn’t good enough, he replaced me. You replaced me.” Buck blurts letting it spill out. 

“We didn’t replace you. We just had a temporary space to fill.”

“There was tape over my name.” Buck sounded more broken than he wanted but it was too late for him to care, Eddie had seen every side of him so who cared if Buck fell apart now? Couldn’t be more embarrassing than any other time.

“You weren’t ready to be back!” Eddie snaps.

“I’m not doing this here.” Buck says, stepping back shaking his head.

“Then let's go.” Eddie says turning on his heel to walk outside.

Damnit was Buck, a good friend. The golden retriever nickname was not just a joke, he was energetic, full of energy, and loyal. So he followed Eddie outside despite what could happen.  
Once they were outside and near Bucks Jeep the duo stopped. “I was ready to be back.” Buck says his voice monotone. Yet that didn’t stop his hurt expression and sad blue eyes.

“Bobby said you weren’t.”

Buck wanted to hit something and it caused him to angrily rub his birthmark because who still held aggression after a boxing match? “Then what about the damn tsunami? I know I fucked up with Chris...I wish, I wish I could do something different. But I got him on the truck, I thought he was safe. When he..when I saw he was gone I spent hours on hours searching for him. If I couldn’t be in the field then how come I held up that day? I would have searched for him either way but there was no way I could have helped those other people..” Buck cuts himself off as his mouth was working faster than his brain.

“Other people?”

Buck shakes his head, “I really wish I held onto Christopher. I wish I could have done that day differently. Maybe then you wouldn’t hate me. Maybe then you would think I’m good enough for the crew.” He spits out.

“I-no Buck. I don’t hate you.” Eddie says stepping forward, “You saved Chris.”

“I lost Chris. So I get it okay? I get that you don’t think I was ready to be back, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. And Bobby? He...he should have known I was ready.” His eyes filled with unshed tears

“He was worried about you.”

“He was worried about having a liability on the team.”

Eddie shakes his head, “Buck...He cares about you. He didn’t think you were ready, he wasn’t replacing you.”

“Well the department thought otherwise!” Buck laughs bitterly, “Besides I’ve been given chores and the cold shoulder ever since I got back. I mean today? What was it for a family lunch?”

“It wasn’t like that.” Eddie says, trying to reassure Buck.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

There's a pause and Buck watched as Eddie pieced things together before questioning, “What did you mean when you said the department thought otherwise?”

Buck smiles bitterly, “They offered me a settlement. Lot of money but I turned it down so I could be back on the team.”

“You never said-”

“Because it wasn’t about the money! I never cared about really winning. I wanted to be on the team. That job means the world to me, saving people means the world to me. The 118 is, was family. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I was tired of being ignored, pushed to the side, and well shit Eddie I didn’t want to be replaced.” 

“Buck the 118 is your family we always will be.”

Buck swallows a tear falling and he repeats, “Actions speak louder than words.”

~

When Buck got home he was tempted to throw himself into his bed and cry just as he did when he was a kid. He knew there were better options, he was an adult, he could take care of this in a better way. Yet he didn’t want to bother Maddie and no one on the 118 was an option. He thought about calling Athena but she was with Bobby, she would either see him as weak or take Bobby's side. Buck wasn’t sure if he could handle that.

Buck took a shaky breath before going to the bathroom and cleaning his cuts from his spar. He ignores the feeling of anxiety pooling in his stomach as he grabbed ice for his bruises. Buck sniffled and he found himself covered in ice packs crying on his bed letting out his stress and anxiety from the day. He really didn’t think he could cry much more but it seemed his conversation with Eddie affected him more than he thought. He didn’t want to be alone again. Even with Eddie saying the 118 was his family he still felt alone. He was lonely again. 

Buck sniffled and he just hoped his luck would change for the better.


End file.
